


La Vie en Rose

by insondable



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Eventual Smut, First Dates, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Motorcycles, Online Dating, S&M, Smut, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-22
Updated: 2014-08-22
Packaged: 2018-02-10 20:18:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2038707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insondable/pseuds/insondable
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi and Erwin met over the internet. Their agreement was to hookup and leave with no strings attached. But their day took an unexpected turn and without them knowing, they learnt more about each other than they would've liked.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meetup

**Author's Note:**

> So this is going to be a multiple chapter thing. I don't have a beta reader right now so I'm very sorry if there are mistakes in it.  
> This is completely free form and I don't really have a plan that I stick to. 
> 
> I will try to update as soon as possible so be please be patient guys! 
> 
> But yeah, I really wanted to write something where two people slowly get to know each other in unexpected ways so here it is. Enjoy it!

I haven’t gotten laid in weeks. This is bullshit, I thought as I smoked a cigarette letting the bitter, smoky flavour envelop in my mouth. I took a right turn down the block, dodging several garbage cans lying carelessly on the dirty sidewalk. I looked up, checking the address but it didn’t seem to be familiar to me. Just to be sure, I opened the text message.

Levi: [the coffee shop on 3rd street with the flashy neon sign]

Why did I even bother? I had no idea what this coffee shop looked like. The only thing I could’ve based my search on was the flashy neon sign but it wasn’t exactly a distinctive feature. Nevertheless, I walked down Third Street, looking for a coffee shop with a neon sign and found three. I took out my phone and moved my fingers across the screen quickly.

Erwin: [Can you give me something I can distinguish you with?]

He replied almost instantly. 

Levi: [Uhh idk, im wearing all black?]

That’ll do. I didn’t know a lot of people who wore black from head to toe. Something told me that this guy was going to be one of those who listened exclusively to bands like Nirvana or The Doors with a tattooed sleeve whose wardrobe only consisted of black skinny jeans and black leather jackets. Alternatively, he could’ve been in a black suit. It was plausible. A sexually deprived salary man who has lived a life concealing his homosexuality and the only way he won’t be seen by his co-workers and doting wife was to invite me to a questionable neighbourhood where he’ll relieve his sexual frustration on a total stranger, turning it into a lusty affair, concealed behind the curtains of society before returning to the banal life of a simple salary man with no desires. And when he would feel like it, we would meet up again, exchange a few drinks and small talk here and there before getting down to business. I enjoyed it too much. Creating different personalities for a man I had only exchanged a few conversations over the Internet with. The air of mystery always intrigued me. He seemed new to it. This whole dating website thing. In all honesty, I didn’t expect a loving relationship of any kind with anyone I meet online. They were merely just so I could have casual sex without the emotional baggage. Mostly, people on dating websites have the same mind set. 

I looked at the coffee shop with the flashiest sign. It was also the smallest coffee shop. I wondered if they used all of their money on the sign and not the actual shop. I say money well spent. It caught my attention before any other coffee shop and since I was already standing by the door, I pushed it open. 

Inside was a chaotic buzz of people drinking and talking about things that they would forget the next day. The baristas had their hands full, takings orders and making them. The coffee machine screeched loudly, masking the human noise. I scanned the room for him. Black clothes. Black clothes. There he was. Sitting in the corner, looking out the window while sipping his espresso. So he drank espresso and not some girly coffee like Frappuccino. I walked over. He wasn’t anything like I had imagined. Indeed he did have a grungy feel to him with a black t-shirt and black jeans that were ripped at the knees. He was trying to hard to show that he didn’t care. I thought it was cute.  
“Levi right?” I tried to sound as casual as possible. He turned to me with his grey eyes widened with shock.  
“Uh…yes!” he paused, “Erwin?”  
“Yeah, nice to finally meet you!”  
He didn’t say anything. Instead, his eyes flashed with nervousness. I sat down, facing him. For a moment, none of us said anything. Levi took a sip of his espresso. He had told me he was reserved and shy but I didn’t think it was this bad.  
“So…how are you?” I said, trying to break the ice.  
“I’m good I guess,”  
I could barely hear him. But after a while, as if he realised he was being inconsiderate, his face jerked upwards.  
“How about you?”  
“I’m well, thank you!”  
“I’m sorry. This is my first time doing this,”  
I knew it.  
“So you know how this goes right?” I smirked. Throughout my life, I never had a problem with being upfront about things. Call it being blatantly blunt if you like. My past partners had massive problems with it. This trait has always been getting me into trouble. But it’s not like I can change it. In this case, I wanted to get down to business quickly so I didn’t have to deal with this guy’s bad case of the shivers. He replied to my question with a confused look.  
“Let’s just make this quick. I’m not looking for any kind of romantic date or anything. I’m so over that nonsense. That sort of thing isn’t worth my time, romance and all that. It’s stupid and it fades eventually. In fact, I’m tempted to believe that love doesn’t even exist at all. It’s a bother and truthfully, I haven’t gotten laid in weeks and I need some right now. That’s a simple enough explanation right? If you’re not okay with that, and judging by the fact that this is your first time, you must’ve thought at this was going to be a date and that you could really find love on the internet. Don’t be childish. If you don’t want to go to a motel with me right now, then I think you should just leave and not waste my time.”  
As soon as I finished, I was sure that he would stand up and leave. But he sat there with a raised eyebrow.  
“Don’t make your own assumptions. Just because this is the first time I’ve met someone on the Internet doesn’t mean I’m not looking for the same things you are. Listen old man, I’ve been through some shit and I’m about done with cocky dicks like you. If you want to fuck, then let’s do it now. I don’t want to waste your time now do I?”  
Amazing. His vibe changed so suddenly I was taken by complete surprise.  
“You’re quite the enthusiast. And don’t call me old man. Jesus. I’m only a few years older than you.”  
“You know, I specifically chose this place because there’s a motel right across from here. Maybe if you paid attention on your way here, you would’ve noticed.”  
What is up with this guy? I thought. It was like he had a split personality. I couldn’t recognise him from the person he was just a few minutes ago. He lit a cigarette. There was a delicate minty smell hovering in the air around us.  
“You look shocked,” he said. His words intertwined with the cigarette smoke. “To be honest, when you walked in, I was shocked because I thought you were the fluffy kind; fluffy as in romantic kind. I had to play the part. Well, to be blunt I lied. This is definitely not my first time hooking up with someone over dating websites. Thank god you came out and said it though, I thought I was going to have a horrible time.” He laughed. “But you know, thinking about it, you don’t look like the type at all.”  
“Look the type?” I repeated. I was annoyed.  
“You know, the type to just sleep around.” He looked at me straight in the eyes. “I bet something really bad happened to you. Like love life wise. I bet you had a terrible lover. Maybe one who couldn’t satisfy you? Actually, maybe even an abusive one judging from the way you’re so against love and all that. Perhaps you even enjoy pain. What a fun idea. Tell me something though, what happened to you that made you like that? Yeah, you might say that you’re blunt and that it’s a personality trait that you’ve always had but c’mon, you can’t hide behind that weak lie can you? Something made you sick of that nonsense. Yeah, I’m using your exact words you can’t deny it. Did I lose you somewhere in the midst of my talking? I’m sorry if I did. I tend to ramble.”

I was pissed. I was so fucking pissed. How can I let this guy slip pass my radar? I had walked into that coffee shop thinking I had control of the situation. And when I saw his grey eyes, shocked by my entrance, I was even more convinced that I had the situation under control. He fed my ego and decided to crush it just for the fun of it. And who was he to come in and ask me about my personal life. Looking at his face that was gleaming with victory annoyed me.  
“Your face’s red. Did I saying something?”  
Idiot. I recollected myself.  
“I thought we were just going to have sex. My personal life has nothing to do with anything,” I said trying to maintain my dignity.  
“You’re so boring Erwin. But you do have a point. Plus, just from your reaction, I could already tell that I must’ve gotten something right. You’re beyond pissed. Are you able to recover?”  
“Stop fucking around,” I scowled.  
“You must be desperate to get fucked. You’re still putting up with me.” 

Levi stood up, hands buried in his pocket.  
“Let’s go then,” he said with a half smile. The chair skidded back as I stood up quickly and followed him out. I still couldn’t believe I bought his good guy act. Why the fuck didn’t I notice? He wasn’t big. He had a small build but I had to admit, he was good looking. I’ve seen very few people with an undercut nowadays but damn, he pulled it off well. His bangs grazed the sides of his cheekbones as he turned to look at me. He stopped.  
“You know what, I’ve changed my mind. That motel’s shitty anyways.”  
Without warning, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me down the street. He was unexpectedly strong. I struggled.  
“What the fuck!?” I yelled. “Where are you taking me?”  
“Too many fucking questions. Just shut up like a good boy.”  
How fucking dare he? This guy had some major guts. He dragged me down to the end of the narrow and dirty street and when he finally stopped, in front of me parked a motorcycle.  
Suddenly, he tossed me a helmet.  
“You must be kidding. What do you take me for? I am not going anywhere with you.”  
“Didn’t I tell you to shut up and don’t ask stupid questions?”  
“I thought the deal was that we’d fuck then leave –“  
“We are. I just want a change of scenery,” he chuckled.


	2. Lack of Spark

I had no knowledge of motorcycles. But this one spewed beauty at the very moment I saw it. The body was polished immaculately until shone brilliantly stars at midnight. Everything from the rims to the handlebars was kept clean to perfection. The silver parts reflected my face when I leaned in closer for a better look. It was very impressive.  
“Get on,” Levi ordered.  
“It’s beautiful,” I gasped ignoring his rude demand.  
“Ah…she is isn’t she?” Levi commented as his expression softened. He looked at his motorcycle with tender eyes while his lips curved slightly into a gentle smile. I couldn’t help but mimic his smile. He called his motorcycle ‘she’ as if it was a delicate girl that needed to be taken care of. I could tell by the way he looked at it, that he loved it. Not in that kind of way, but as if the motorcycle was his daughter that he worked so hard to preserve her beauty. To him, it was pure and unsullied. He probably polishes it everyday to let its beauty illuminate. Once again, he takes me aback. I barely know him. I don’t know what he does for a living or where he lives but I’ve seen three different sides to this man in the short amount time I’ve spent with him. Levi is like a woven mesh of personalities and I could never expect what he was going to do next.  
“Okay, enough staring at me. Get on.” He said as he gave my face a few playful slaps.  
Obediently, I got onto the bike. Levi put on a leather jacket and he looked good in it too. So my assumptions were right. He did own a leather jacket. He secured his helmet and leaned forward to grasp the handlebars. With a head half tilted back so that he could hear me better, he asked if I was ready in a mischievous tone. Don’t blame me it was hard to refuse. There was man sitting in front of me in a leather jacket with his ass to my crotch asking me if I was ready, the motorcycle was beautiful and I had never ridden on one before. Also, I get to have sex if I do. He was just going to drive me to another motel. Maybe a better one than the one opposite the coffee shop we were just at. A change of scenery, did he say? 

The motorcycle growled and started to accelerate out into the open road. The wind slashed violently against my neck where the skin was exposed. I was lucky I wore a long sleeved shirt or else it would’ve hurt. It was deliciously dangerous. Everything around me was warped into blurry shapes. I felt him go faster. The blurry shapes started to blend together into a palette of ambiguous colours. The motorcycle moved so smoothly, treating each turn like an acrobatic performance and with every completed move, I wanted to give it a round of applause. Not only to the motorcycle but also to the driver – the trainer. 

Levi stopped in front of an alleyway. Seriously, I’ve had enough of shady places. Carefully, he parked and took off his helmet. He was slightly sweaty and his hair dishevelled as if he had just woken up.  
“Wait here,” he said. Disoriented, every part of my body slowly stopped tingling from excitement.  
“Where are you going?” I managed. No reply. Instead, he quickly disappeared. Irritated, I took off the helmet and fumbled in the pocket of my jeans for my cigarettes and lighter. Shit. My fingered trembled slightly as I tried to light the cigarette. What the fuck is that guy doing in there anyways? Frustrated, I blew a grey screen of smoke out of my mouth and nose. How did I start smoking again? Oh right. First year of high school, at the time I hadn’t come out yet. Being closet gay sucked but for the sake of my high school life to go smoothly, I endured it. For the most part, I was reserved and never said much unless people asked me something but I somehow managed to get into a decent circle of friends. They were good people and all of them were straight. They went on and on about the girls they liked and how that one chick in that one porno was so hot. God, no wonder I was reserved. One day, after a party, somehow, one of the guys got his hands on a pack of cigarette that apparently, his connection with the seniors were able to get him. I wasn’t keen on the idea but I took a puff anyways just for show. Ever since then, it’s been half a pack a day for me. 

I threw the cigarette on the ground and stepped on it. Levi appeared.  
“Where’d you go?”  
“I got this,” he said, holding up a questionable black bag. “My friend owns a sex shop in there. I stopped to get some supplies.”  
“What kind of supplies do you need cause that’s a pretty big fucking bag if it’s only for condoms and lube. Are you telling me you have sex that often?”  
“Yeah, it’s a pretty big fucking bag,” he laughed as if he was a big fucking genius. I gave him a scornful look.  
“Can we go now? And do you mind telling me where we’re going? I think I would feel a bit less like I’m being kidnapped if you do,”  
“We’re going back to my place. It’s a studio apartment but it’s pretty spacious. It’ll be better than any motel I guarantee you. Even better, it’s free. Although…after sex with me, you better not come stalking me begging for more.”  
“Don’t think too highly of yourself,” I laughed. How cocky was this guy?  
Levi smiled. One of those crooked ones that only used half of his face muscles like he was too lazy to do a full one.  
“What are you standing there for? If you want to use this bag then hurry the fuck up and get on.”  
I put on my helmet and swung one of my legs over the motorcycle. His warm back was against my chest again. 

We sped down the open road. I forgot everything around me and closed my eyes, letting the sound of the wind hooting in my ears like a symphony of owls. The motorcycle’s exhaust pipe spewed a trail of grey smoke behind us, emanating a burnt smell that interlaced with the air around me. For a moment I was on the motorcycle, I was completely alone. I was free to let my senses take over while someone took an eraser and rubbed the notes of my mind into non-existence. But I wasn’t alone. The warmth on my chest represented the person in front of me, controlling the motorcycle. I could feel his back moving as he breathed – proof that he existed in the world I had temporarily created. 

I opened my eyes when I felt us slowing down. I thought we were nearing our destination but I felt a twinge of sadness that my experience on the motorcycle was coming to a close. Levi pulled over to the sidewalk. I didn’t see any apartment complexes.  
“Shit,” he sighed. His face was tense. His eyebrows scrunched together to form a livid expression.  
“What’s wrong?” I asked, genuinely concerned.  
“She won’t run,” he replied in an irritated murmur. It took me while to realise he was talking about motorcycle. I was shocked. It had run so smoothly just a few seconds ago. I got off and examined the motorcycle. To my eyes, it still looked perfect but to Levi’s trained eye, he spotted what was wrong.  
“Lack of spark,” he said. What? That made no sense to my ears. “I think my spark plug or maybe even the wire leading to it might be worn out. Maybe because I have been driving around a lot and I haven’t found the time to get her checked up properly in ages. Jesus I should’ve known. It’s not something I can’t fix though. But unfortunately, I don’t have my tools here. Why would I?”  
He talked quickly but I could just about catch his words. I still couldn’t really understand but I didn’t question it.  
“So what now?” I asked. What kind of shitty luck did I have?  
“I’m going to get her fixed but it seems like she won’t run anymore. She’s worn out.” He replied with ease. More ease than I had imagined. It scared me a little, how calm he was about his motorcycle breaking down. “Seeing she won’t run, I’ll have to call someone to come pick it up. I’m really sorry but you can just go on home,”  
What? This was really out of his character.  
“It’s not like you to just tell me to go home,”  
“What do you know about me anyways?” he snapped. There he was. Levi took out his phone and dialled a phone number. He probably waited for about three or four rings until someone on the other end picked up.  
“Hello? Hey Hanji!”  
Hanji? The name sounded strange.  
“Yeah, it’s Levi. So listen, my motorcycle’s spark plug is worn out. Probably. So can you come pick it up?”  
He paused to let Hanji speak.  
“Yeah it won’t even start anymore.”  
Another pause.  
“Didn’t I say probably? I don’t know for sure okay? Just come pick it up.”  
Another pause but this time, it was for longer.  
“Look it’s none of your fucking business who I’m with. Why does that even matter to you? And how the hell do you know? I just want you to do your fucking job and come pick up this motorcycle or so help me I will – “  
Hanji interrupted him. He sighed before answering her.  
“Damn. He needs to keep his mouth shut. All right, just come and pick it up…please? Yes, you get to see…okay. I’ll text you the address. Hurry up.”  
He hung up.  
“I never thought I would see you being polite, Levi.” I teased.  
“What the hell are you talking about?” he glared at me but his cheeks were faintly flushed. I chuckled. If only he knew I saw right through his tough act. With the motorcycle, he puts up this brooding, tortured act but without the shield of his motorcycle, his true nature starts to show. This was interesting. I thought I would find pleasure peeling his layers back. I laughed quietly to myself. Once again, I had the upper hand. But more importantly, I planned to keep it that way.  
“Hey, go home. It’s still a long way to my place and I have to wait for that crazy woman to come pick her up.”  
“I think I’ll stay,”  
“What?” he looked at me suspiciously. “Don’t fuck around,”  
“I’m being serious. I’ve come this far and heroically endured your volatile personality on the way. I might as well just spend the day with you,”  
“Did you forget everything we discussed back in the coffee shop? Fuck and leave right? Nothing more. So why now did you change your mind? Or are you one of those indecisive bastards that I can’t stand? Yeah, I can’t stand indecisiveness. It’s a horrible trait.”  
“I’m not indecisive. Trust me. In fact, I decided that having sex with someone like you might be interesting mainly because of that mysterious black velvet bag you have there. I don’t want to miss out on that.” I snickered.  
“Someone like me?” he questioned like a child. I didn’t answer. It would’ve spoiled my fun. “Whatever you say, old man.” There it was again. Old man.  
“Don’t call me that,”  
“Old man,” he teased. How immature.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys I actually have no idea about motorcycles and anything about it in this chapter I researched on the internet.


	3. The beginnings of Erwin Smith

Levi leaned against his sturdy motorcycle and took out a cigarette. He took a deep breath, drawing in the smoke and blew out a big grey cloud. He did this a few more times while we kept the silence. I stood facing Levi, catching most of the cigarette smoke that he exhaled. For the most part I didn’t mind the smoke coming at me because it smelt like a breath mint.  
“You smoke menthols?” I inquired. I could barely see him through the fog.  
“Yeah. It tastes better.” His voice broke through.  
“Honestly, you can smoke whatever flavour cigarette you want, but I have to know…isn’t that a girl’s thing?”  
“How is it a girl’s thing?” he snapped. For a moment, he took a break from smoking and held the cigarette gracefully between his slender fingers, letting the smoke rise idly. I could finally see his face. He was obviously annoyed by my statement.  
“When I was still in high school, I used to go round the back of the school to sneak a smoke with my friends. There wasn’t much back there really, just a blotchy patch of grass and an old storage room that no one ever used. At the time, some girls would come too because it was cool to hang out with the rebellious kids. We would sometimes spend the whole day there without teachers knowing –“  
“How is this relevant?” he glared at me.  
“It’s all about the build up of the story. Anyways, that’s how we spent our school days. And the girls that came with us, they smoked too. But they never smoked normal cigarettes. They always picked the ones that were flavoured: cherry, mint, vanilla, and all kinds. So even though they spent all day fucking around and smoking, they would come home smelling like cherries or mint or vanilla. I’ve never seen a man smoking flavoured ones though.”  
“I used to smoke unflavoured ones. But after a while they got boring. You know? Like if you had a chocolate milkshake everyday in your life, three times a day, you would eventually get bored of it right? So once in a while, you need to mix things up a bit.” Levi’s reply was strangely illogical because cigarettes were nothing like milkshakes. Milkshakes didn’t have nicotine in them.  
“So how’d you start?” I asked  
“Start what?”  
“Start smoking.”  
“Are you sure you want to do this? This small talk? I don’t know but I recall you specifically saying you want no emotional attachments to the guys you hook up with. Asking me random things about my past won’t help that. I really have no problem with it, but don’t tell me you’re that kind. What’s the word I’m looking for…oh yes: a hypocrite?”  
I thought about what he said.  
“We have time to kill,” I said, “A conversation or two won’t hurt. It’s a mutual agreement that we both don’t want to date each other or get cosy with one another, so I’m not worried. I don’t get attached that easily anyways.”  
“Suit yourself.” He paused and drew another breath on his cigarette. He was more than halfway through it. “Honestly, I don’t remember how I started. I think it was in university. I’m a late bloomer, unlike you who started in…what, high school?”  
“Yeah, I didn’t really give a shit in high school. I wanted to look cool and fuck girls.” I laughed. Hearing myself say it out loud, it sounded like a confession. It was almost pathetic actually. I admitted that I was a delinquent in front of this person that I barely knew.  
“Looks like you haven’t changed,” Levi laughed. It wasn’t really a laugh now that I think about it. It was more like a snicker. “But I guess you don’t want to fuck girls now huh? You want to fuck boys too. I wonder who was the chick that made you change your mind. Or maybe you were always gay but to avoid being bullied, you did girls too.” He shot me a look out of the corners of his eyes as if to pry a confession out of me. It was a confident glare. He was confident that he guessed correctly and was just waiting for my shameful acknowledgement. Unfortunately, his guesses weren’t far off. I sighed. He immediately took it as a sign of defeat.  
“So I was right. Predictable.” He shook his head condescendingly. God, he was annoyingly confident.  
“Okay, okay you got me. I was always gay. I certainly took a hell of the long time to accept it though. Really. But you don’t want to hear that. It’s a long fucking story with too many disappointments.”  
“Okay to be honest, normally, I wouldn’t give half a shit and I don’t want you to think I do. But listen, we have a lot of time to waste like you said. Hanji won’t get here anytime soon and since you insisted to stay here, which boggles my fucking mind, I guess I won’t mind listening to your story. And think about it, we met online. I don’t know anyone you do, so there’s no chance of me telling. Also, we’re just going to screw our brains out and part ways. I’m sure I won’t even remember. It’s better than just standing around.”  
The cigarette he was holding dropped onto the cement pavement. He was a puzzling character. He went through all that just to convince me to tell him my story but at the same time and that he didn’t care. Levi was looking straight at me with intense grey eyes. At this angle, his undercut showed clearly. It was pretty closely shaved, revealing the hints of paler skin compared to the rest of his face. 

“This is cruel. Making me re-tell this story. But like I said I was always gay. I just spent my whole adolescent life denying it and convincing myself I was straighter than a stick. I hung around guys with less than half a brain. They wouldn’t notice anything. I was so sure of it too. So when I lost my virginity, it was with this girl that, to be completely honest, I don’t even remember her name. Pretty girl though. I dated her for a week. Well, I wouldn’t call it dating. She kept clinging to me wherever I went. Bothersome is the word to describe her now that I think about it. And I’m sure you can guess what happened. We wanted to have sex me. I had no real reason to decline. In fact it was a chance for me to prove to myself I was straight. I was thankful because finally, I had this chance to erase my doubts about my sexuality. I jumped on the offer.” I stopped, remembering the dark lit room and the-girl-whose-name-I-can’t-remember was under me. I barely touched her but she moaned unattractively.  
“I became disgusted with myself when I looked at her lying on my bed; breathing softly; naked and waiting to be fucked.” I stopped again. Any straight guy would kill for a view like that, but I couldn’t stomach the way her breasts bulged out of her body or the way she started to moan, guiding my fingers to her opening. It was moist. She parted it slightly, giving me easier access to her entrance. I slid a finger in.  
“She was loud and the whole ordeal was irritating. I started to stare at the ceiling.” I realised I was giving too much detail.  
“I know I’m a horrible person,” I admitted quickly before he could. “God, I still remember her face when she saw my flaccid dick. I couldn’t really think of a good excuse. I mean; do you have a good excuse for being completely soft in that situation? Not if you’re straight of course. So I told her the easiest thing that came to mind. I didn’t blatantly lie to her face. I said what I thought was the truth at the time. I told her I didn’t like her. Of course if she were smart, she would know that a man’s penis would react to anything but luckily for me, she wasn’t the brightest girl in the bunch. She broke up with me of course. Cried. A lot. All her friends shunned me. My guy friends congratulated me. Apparently, if you sleep with a girl then break up with her, you become this desired character. So my high school life went on. I didn’t really get a girlfriend after that. I just fucked them. It wasn’t until my last year of high school if I can remember correctly, did it hit me. Well, more accurately put, I started to date this guy. It was all a big secret. No one knew. I remember he used to work as a bartender. He was older than me of course, if you haven’t figured that out. It wasn’t like a big realisation that I was gay but I just kind of went with the flow. I don’t think I even admitted to myself that I was gay yet. But anyways, I still remember this guy clearly. He was taller than me, black hair with the kind of curls that make you go crazy and a nice jawline. It was one of those square jawlines that could probably cut glass. He had a good body too. Wow…I should punch myself for letting that man go. But I’ll get to that eventually. As I was saying, he was my first man. Actually hold that thought. You’re awfully quiet?”  
“I’m listening. I’m actually listening. I actually want to hear about this guy you dated. Continue.” Levi replied in a surprisingly genuine tone. I had been so engrossed in telling him the story I had forgotten that he was a stranger. Although it didn’t feel like he was a complete stranger. There were moments when I looked at him and searched for a readable expression on his icy face, it felt like I’d known him for years.  
“I dated the guy for about three weeks or so. We hadn’t done anything except for kissing. Obviously, I thought about of sex but I had no idea how two men did it. I was so fucking stupid,”  
“But you found out eventually right? Or we wouldn’t be here,” Levi joked.  
“You can already read the situation. When he finally did have sex, I hated it.”  
“Because you bottomed?”  
“There you go again,” I sighed, “There you go making overly accurate guesses. You’re spoiling my fun. Fucking hell,”  
Levi laughed, and this time it was a mockingly loud. His mouth opened and stretched outwards and his childish laugh escaped from his throat. He held up his hand and tried to hide his embarrassing burst of emotion.  
“That’s fucking precious! You hated it because you bottomed? Well what did you expect?”  
“You find this fucking hilarious? For a virgin it was fucking traumatising!”  
Without warning, I found myself laughing with him. I couldn’t tell if I was laughing at my former self for being a huge fucking wimp or because Levi’s aggressive laugh was contagious. We looked at each other and again, I forgot that he was a stranger.  
“I never expected that out of you,” Levi said with a trembling voice. He still hadn’t recovered from his laughing fit.  
“Do you want to hear more or what?”  
“Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. I have a question,”  
I took out a cigarette pack from my pocket and lit it. The familiar smell of cigarette smoke circled us again.  
“Yeah, shoot.”  
“Did you like it eventually? The process is that it hurts at first and then eventually, it becomes good. Well, I’m speaking from personal experience.”  
“I was going to get to that before you interrupted me,” I paused, “Despite it being a pain in the ass, literally, I went on seeing him. Answering your question: yes, it was good eventually. When it became good, I started to stop denying my sexuality. I came out to my parents the night I turned eighteen. I found myself at the subway with my whole life neatly packed into a bag by my side. I left everything behind in that god-forsaken town. Then I ended up here. In this shitty city.”  
There was a long pause.  
“That was anti-climatic. You know you’re a bad liar. I can tell by your face. You’re hiding something terrible. Somewhere along that story of yours, something terrible happened to you,”  
“First of all, I don’t feel like telling you any of that tragic shit in my life. I don’t need your fucking sympathy. It’s none of your fucking business.” I said, feeling myself getting pissed. Hot blood started to rush to my head.  
“Okay calm down. Your face is redder than a fucking tomato. You know you’re so easy to read,” he chuckled. I felt it. I knew he was purposely pushing my buttons.  
“So, what? What exactly do you want to know?” My hands trembled slightly holding the cigarette. I tried to calm down but the way the smoke raised from the red-hot ash of the cigarette gave it away. 

I couldn’t pretend that I was okay with telling him about my life. Telling Levi the stories I’ve kept hidden in the deepest crevices of my mind meant letting him in. I wasn’t about to do that with a stranger. No, actually, I was scared he would see my vulnerabilities. However, something strange came over me. I can’t really explain it in a way that it would be easily understood but if I were to summarise it, I felt an overwhelming urge to let it all out. Despite my fear, my secrets, which I have kept bundled up, were bursting. I couldn’t believe it. But giving it some thought, I realised no one had ever showed me the kind of compassion he had. It isn’t the generic compassion that people normally would give but it was a violent force I had never felt before. It was pushed onto me without myself even knowing. He pretended he didn’t care, and insisted that my story was to merely pass the time, as if they weren’t even worth him listening if we weren’t in that situation. But once I saw him starting to become absorbed into my words like water being sucked into a cotton ball, I became aware that he was listening. And like that cotton ball, I expanded, not with water but with joy.  
“What exactly do I want to know? Well for starters, I want an answer to my question when we were still in the coffee shop. What awful thing happened to you to put you off love?” Levi said this with ease. So casually that it made me cringe.  
“I guess it wouldn’t hurt telling you,” I said. But of course it would hurt but the words came pouring out. “So my first boyfriend, whom I grew really fond of…actually, at one point I guess you can even call it love. After graduating high school, I decided to go to university. I wasn’t stupid, mind you. I was actually pretty bright, so I managed to get into a decent university. Of course, we had to do this long distance relationship thing. I trusted him because I was a stupid little shit who believed in this fairy tale-like love. I had honestly thought I would be with him forever. So I went to university. I’m not going to lie but there were a lot of times where I considered giving into temptation. I’m not the kind of guy to just settle for his right hand but for him I could. Of course, I went back to visit as often as I could and we had Skype sex quite often. That’s right. I remembered the times when I got excited because we had arranged to Skype that night. I’m going to refrain from telling you details. I was happy. Genuinely. My life was like the song by Edith Piaf. You know that song? La Vie en Rose. I was living life through my very own pair of rose coloured glasses. But of course they were nothing more than illusions that I created because I loved him foolishly. I’m not going to go into too much detail. I’m afraid I might bore you. I guess I’ll just go straight to the juicy part,” I paused for a while to recollect myself. I was getting nervous. Levi was looking at me, waiting for me to continue. I took a deep breath or two. “He cheated on me. I saw it with my very own eyes. They were fucking really loudly too. I could’ve just left and never come back because it was pretty fucking obvious they were screwing. But I had to see it myself to confirm that my walking away was worth it.” I stopped. I was out of breath. It had all slid out of me so easily.


End file.
